I Need You To Know

by - 2:41:00 PM

Dear Baba,

I'm sitting here doing my homework (well, actually I'm looking at tickets for country concerts this summer) and I can't concentrate because I am thinking about you. I really miss you. Like, I miss you so much I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you and me. I can't stop thinking about how much I want you here with me. Why don't you come be with me? Just for today, come be with me.

I stopped and visited your grave yesterday on my way home from the family barbecue at Grandma Bonnie's. I don't mean this rude, but the summer barbeque's just aren't the same at her house...they should be at yours. You'd be yelling at everyone to do things for you, and complaining stuff wasn't done right because it wasn't done your way. Oh, and let's not talk about the overload of food provided.

So, we were on our way back from the summer barbecue (that wasn't so much a summer barbecue) and we stopped at the cemetery. When I say we, I mean Dustin and I. Dustin is my fiance. I really, really hate that I have to tell you that. I hate that you don't know that already. I didn't struggle being there for awhile. I just talked for a second, and fixed the flowers that were there. And then I was quiet. And I had a hard time.

True to the Bruce Fulford genes pumping through my veins, I started to choke up. I hate that you're gone. We were only there for a second...just long enough for me to tell you I missed you. Just long enough for me to feel how much I missed you. As we were walking away, I told Dustin how badly I wanted you here. I told him you would have been the first one he met (partly out of force, and partly by choice). I told him how much you loved me, and how much I cherished you.

I think I miss you especially now because of the changes going on in my life. I mean, this is a big deal. And you wanted to be a part of this big deal. I would bet, if you were here, you'd be the center of attention-and not me. That's how it usually is, right? I wouldn't complain though.

So, Dustin is really, really good to me, Baba. He really loves me. I'm sure you'd approve; that's how good he is. He's in finance, so he keeps me in line (ups and downs to this, I guess). I don't think he would support you handing me money in wads like it was 1999 (not that you'd give him a choice). Oh, and guess where he's from? Grace! Grace, Idaho! Like where we lived in the trailer park-remember? When I first met him, and he said he was from Grace, I about choked. I mean, who is really from Grace? His family moved there right after we left.

I'm still going to school, too. I'm trying to get my degree in English. I'm also working at a doctor's office in Idaho Falls (an OB/GYN-I'm sure you have something to say about that). I'm a little stressed. I guess you could say I'm barely making it (used 'barely' just for you).

Can you believe Haylee's graduated? Morgan's going to be a senior? Kendon's in high school, too. Brooke and Syd in Jr. High. And Josh isn't a baby anymore (though that doesn't keep us from treating him like one). You were gone before dad got sick, but it was pretty scary. He's awesome and working so hard I'm scared for him. Mom is a miracle worker, like always. She's constantly on the move, how grateful I've become for her (shush, I know you're right).

Didn't we have a deal you would come to my wedding? Dang you. I wish you could see my dress, it's so pretty. I feel pretty in it. You'd think I look pretty, too. My reception is going to be outside. I'm so glad I'm getting married in the summer for that reason. I really want to serve summer treats (like ice cream or something) at the reception. Mom, my sisters, and Traci have been awesome helping me (or putting up with me) plan.

I guess I'll quit rambling. I wish you were with me. I know that's selfish. But, I don't really care right now. I can't help but feel that way.

I know this is dumb, but I feel like that Miley Cyrus song that says:

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in your arms

I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I know you're in a better place,
But I wish that I could see your face,
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you,

Always Yours

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