On Motherhood

by - 2:41:00 PM

This is a post composed of my thoughts on motherhood. I've been mulling these thoughts around and around in my head for at least three months now. It's hard to put them to words, and harder still to actually write them in cohesive sentences. These are my thoughts and feelings, my exposed and raw inner most thoughts. (so spare them, pretty please?)


My baby turns six months old tomorrow. Six whole months. Wow - this half year has pushed me, stretched me, and tested my limits. It has taught me what love is. I fell infinitely more in love with Dustin the moment I saw him hold Abby in his arms. I didn't know I could love a little girl so much as I do my baby.

 I feel I do a fairly decent job jotting down thoughts and documenting Abby's growth. But, it occurred to me that maybe I should document my own. 

I'm a list person. Cut and dried - list person. At least every other day I start a list of things I need to do. I have a planner (like an old fashioned, spiral bound planner), and I use it multiple times a day. I write down everything. And I love seeing things get checked off. It makes me feel accomplished and gives me a sense of reason and importance. 

This did not change when Lady A. entered our lives. In fact, my memory (starting with pregnancy) has completely disappeared and I find myself reaching for a spare piece of paper and my planner constantly. I jot down grocery lists, packing lists, to do lists, gift ideas, moments I want to remember. Everything. 

The lists haven't stopped, but my sense of accomplishment and importance has. While my lists grow and grow and pile on one another, I have had to learn that I am not in control. The little 14 pound beauty is though. 

The first month of Abby's life I didn't make a single list. I had little drive to accomplish anything except for loving my little girl and sharing special moments as a new family of three. It was such a special time in our home. I'll relish in those moments forever, I'm sure. 

But, as time wore on, and things began to regulate themselves again, my lists started up again. I remember the week that I realized life was fading out of this magical time and wearing into day to day life again. I blogged a little about this time. I had to pack for vacation (three of us, one being an infant - who is incredibly harder to pack for than two adults, combined). I had school to work on. I had to pack an apartment for our move. In the midst of all of this, my husband was working, trying to finish school to graduate that month, and I had a baby to feed, change, and care for constantly. I was overwhelmed. 

I had at least three lists I kept writing, re writing, crossing off, and adding to. And. On the day that seemed to be the height of it all, Abby refused to sleep. At all. Oh, and scream. She rarely even cried, but this day she did. Luckily, I have an amazing father and sister who drove two hours to my aid

My point is not to rehash that day, or to illustrate the motherhood is miserable. Because it is not. Far from, actually. I bask in Lady's presence all. the. stinkin. time. I adore everything about her. She has me rolling in laughter from the moment she wakes up. 

But, I did have to change my expectations of my daily life. While Abby and I have settled into a comfortable routine, sometimes it's hard to remember that I am important. That just because my lists remain unchecked, 
I am accomplished. Someone does need me, and she is the one that gives me reason.

Some days I find myself frantic when Dustin comes home (though he doesn't care, and graciously notices even the smallest things, and looks past the glaring messes). I scurry around trying to clean up Abby's toys strung around the house. I try to throw together dinner. And I find myself stumbling and muttering, trying to explain to him what I have done with my day. Because, while I'm exhausted at the end of the day, I often feel there is very little "checked off." 

When I quit my job, near the end of my pregnancy, my self confidence plummeted  It was hard to wake up each day and not have a reason to get dressed. There was nobody counting on me to be anywhere. There wasn't anybody watching what I did every hour to tell me I was doing an exceptional job. And, to be completely honest there are some days I still feel this way. 

But that is not the case. I've had to learn and realize that being a mother needs to be at the top of my to do list. As long as that gets accomplished, I have purpose. Though I do not work (thanks to my hard working husband for providing a way for us to self sustainable and for making a way for me to stay home as a full time mother), do not receive a paycheck every two weeks anymore, and do not have a boss praising me when I do something well - I have purpose. 

I hope that Abby realizes that one day. That when she gets older and sees that I'm not a "cool" mom, that I don't do everything other kids' parents do, that I often go to the store in my sweat pants (or often remain in them until three in the afternoon),  and that I will probably always be reaching to lose those extra pounds, I hope she will realize that being her mama was (and always will be) at the top of my list. 

As a new mother, I think that this is the most important, hardest thing I've had to recognize. I still struggle on occasion, but I think I've adjusted my views, and have embraced these wonderful changes. I am important. I matter. And, I am accomplished - even if it can't be recognize from the outside looking in.

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