Raw Thoughts on My Perfect Life

by - 8:12:00 AM

I'm feeling really raw right now. It's a goal of mine, lately, to record these honest moments. Since I'm not much of a journal-er, this has become my source of recording.

Toward the end of my pregnancy with Evalyn, I stumbled on an Instagram account of Mary Staples. I then found her blog, and was quickly swept up and in aw of her testimony, family, and her heartbreak. The Staples lost their two year old daughter (just a touch younger than Abby) earlier this year. I found myself mourning with a mother I had never met, and praying for angels to surround and bear up her family in this trial (something I feel no mother should have to experience). I've followed her story as her testimony, surety of the gospel, and her determination to find joy has really buoyed me up.

Today Mary posted on her blog about her almost perfect autumn days, missing only her angel daughter. I cried as I read her post. Strengthened again by this woman I don't know. Here's the thing, I have everything. My life is perfect. My girls are with me today. My husband has a job, he works so, so hard, and comes home to work even harder side by side with me in our home.

This morning, Abby refused to get dressed, then yelled at me in the car on the way to school - insistent that she needed my phone to use Google maps to tell her where the school is. Evie went to the store with me this morning in her pajamas, hair wild as ever. Our apartment is a disaster, and I'm pretty sure the wash I threw in yesterday morning is still in the washer, nice and smelly with mildew now. And, I've found myself her on the couch, urgently jotting down these thoughts because: my life is perfect. I'm praying that I can find pure joy in this routine Monday. That I can soak up my girls and appreciate the crap out of my husband.

We are in this weird stage of our lives. We live in this ridiculously over priced area, scraping by financially, and I've found myself in love with it. We are trying to figure out what the next move is for our family. How/where to get the most help for Abby. I'm attempting to wrap up (what should have been) a four year degree. Yet, I hope I never forget this weird stage. I hope in the future I look back and remember how I vowed to never leave New England because the Fall has me head over heels in love. How the drive to church, with the leaves changing makes me want to cry and quote Anne of Green Gables all at the same time. I hope I never forget the quaint area we live in (in our old apartment that smells like Subway). And how the freezing temperatures in the old apartment drive us all to cuddle on the couch under blankets, and ignore the molding laundry in the washer. I want to remember the way Abby drops what she is doing the second we start to sing a hymn during sacrament meeting, grabs a hymn book, crosses her legs, and sings at the top of her lungs (nonsense words) for all to hear. I want to remember how Evalyn stops strangers in their tracks when she grins at them; nobody can resist her, and everyone comments on her happy spirit.

The children in our primary wrote their own parts for the primary program yesterday. I jotted down a few of them, as their innocent testimonies really spoke to me. One said, "When I am serving my family, I am serving God." And, that is my whole purpose. And there's the joy in life.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I obviously can't even form a cohesive thought.  But, I'm frantically typing this out as Evalyn naps, trying to record what I'm feeling.

I guess I'm saying, my life is so good; it's perfect, in it's own flawed way. And I'm going to try my very hardest to remember that.

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