From Our Front Porch Looking In: July 2016

I'm desperately trying to catch up on this blog, strictly for journaling purposes. This is truly the easiest way for me to document my family's lives. My girls are changing every second. Making me laugh every day (and sometimes, cry too). So, I'm going to interrupt this blog catch up to vomit out what's on my mind and post some pictures Dustin snapped that capture my girls so perfectly right now. I'm so scared that life is busy and crazy and mundane that I'll forget it. I don't want to forget my life right now!

Abby gets funnier, more observant, even more sensitive, and spirited every day. Just the other day, after a glamorous dinner at Taco Bell, Abby told me, "Belle must have a lot of Tacos under her dress. You know, 'Taco Bell?'" That's my kind of ball gown, baby girl. Girlfriend lives like a princess, and we are all her subjects. In Disneyland last week, she told Tinkerbell: "I'm a princess because sometimes my mom and dad call me that." But, she refuses to cut her hair, certain that she will lose her powers, and her hair will turn brown, if it gets cut. I'm not sure if she is channeling her inner Samson or Rapunzel.

Evie is independent and fiery. Sister never holds still; she is running, climbing, and attempting to kill me by heart attack all day. She always looks like a ragamuffin, hair wild, food on her face, and in dirty clothes. But man, she is living her best life. This weekend she has had a fever of about 102*, keeping her snuggling in my lap. It breaks my heart to have her sick, but man alive I love the extra snuggles.

The girls keep me busy, exhausted, really. I'm working hard to feel better and so I welcome the busy life. Between the girls, swimming, the beach, vacations, upcoming visitors, trying to squeeze in time with Dustin somewhere in there, and even more upcoming vacation (yay!) the summer is flying by. It's been a good one, this summer.

I spend everyday wondering how all our money goes to Costco, why cars have to break, and how time is flying so freaking fast. And, there's always the ever present question in my mind lately: Why is Jim on the Bachelorette? I mean, does Pam know?!

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This post has been sitting in my drafts for well over two months now, waiting to be published. I'm not going to re-read it. I'm sure it is flawed and lacking organization, making little sense. To that, I say, oh well.

I'm making an executive decision and pausing the usually scheduled picture catch-up to post something a little more personal both for journaling purposes as well as a teeny tiny glimpse into my life (as if you were interested).

I'm going to write this post as if I was writing to a friend. That's why I started this blog, as an escape and a "friend." So, here I am again. Behind, and needing a catch up (the way I am with so, so many of my real life friends, too!). I'm not editing; I'm not re-reading; here are my raw, unfiltered thoughts on the thing that scares me most these days: me.

Dear Friend,

Here's the thing. Life has been a little rocky for the last little while (okay, two years). After getting the super terrifying news that we were moving cross country (terrifying, exciting, and heartbreaking) we got the incredibly exciting news that we were expecting a baby (now we know her as our spitfire, Evie Rose). Wrap all that news up, tie it with a bow, and give me a heart attack.

But, I'm here to tell you: I survived. And, we are all so much better for these changes. We have Evalyn, making our family whole and keeping us on our toes! Abby goes to an incredible school (and poops in the toilet)! Dustin has a job he love, love, loves! We have friends who are like family! And, we've learned to appreciate our families so much more. We are in a happy place in our lives, we really are.

That's not to say it was easy. And it's still not easy.

After Evie, and probably during a good chunk of the pregnancy, I felt the post partum baby blues turning a whole lot more sour. And, before I knew it, I was wanting to sleep most of the day, felt little motivation to leave the house, and my social anxiety was at an all time high. It's been a long time since I've been that low (if ever). I've felt resentful, despondent, lacking as a mother, and literally, physically sick.

I was frustrated, gaining weight, and had no desire to change that. I was so, so unhappy. Mind you, I'm no newbie to this life. Dealing with anxiety my whole life (knowing about it since I was 18), I've been around the loop a few times. The dark cloud of depression that accompanied it this time was something I couldn't shake; but I mastered the art of putting on a happy show.

I'm talking about all of this as though it's past tense. I'd love for it to be past tense. I'm slowly coming out of the fog, I think. But, it's still very present. My hormones are all sorts of screwed up and my anxiety at an all time high; ulcers and insomnia are running my life. My short temper is ruining my family's.

You should know, I'm not oblivious. I've seen doctors. I've found help. Because, for all of you out there who think you aren't sick, that it's all in your head, and that you are in control of it: you aren't. You are sick. Get help, because, luckily for us there is help to be had! It's real and it's not your fault.

As you know, when Abby was a little over a year old I changed my lifestyle - eating healthier, exercising regularly, and adopting an all-around active lifestyle. I lost 45 (ish) lbs, feeling better than I had felt ever before. During my pregnancy with Evalyn, I kept with those habits, for the most part. And, at six weeks post partum I was looking at losing 30 lbs to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. A hefty amount for some, but far better than the situation post Abby. I was proud, and determined.

Until I wasn't. Nobody ever talks about that part of motherhood (or life), ya know? Nobody ever talks about the baby blues turning into ice cold, two year, black holes. But, it's a thing.

So, now, I'm on the mend and staring straight into the face of an unhealthy lifestyle, a mind that has zero determination, now 50 lbs overweight, and panic attacks that sometimes control my life.

My point is not for you to pity me. My point is to talk about something that I've brushed off. To face it head on. And to quit addressing it as a light-hearted joke, or with a hint of sarcasm like I do. My real hope is that if I write it down I'll be able to take control again. Starting now.

I'm shaking as I type this. Nervous to hit publish. Fighting the urge to go back and edit and sugar coat my words. Why is that? Why am I nervous to talk about real things, in my real life. That's the weird thing about our lives now, there is so much show that goes into what we share. Real life takes a back seat.

Thanks for listening. And not judging. And loving me for me (the crazy parts, too). There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my girls - literally the only thing that keeps me going and my built in best friend - my rockstar husband.

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