Real Life
This post has been sitting in my drafts for well over two months now, waiting to be published. I'm not going to re-read it. I'm sure it is flawed and lacking organization, making little sense. To that, I say, oh well.
I'm making an executive decision and pausing the usually scheduled picture catch-up to post something a little more personal both for journaling purposes as well as a teeny tiny glimpse into my life (as if you were interested).
I'm going to write this post as if I was writing to a friend. That's why I started this blog, as an escape and a "friend." So, here I am again. Behind, and needing a catch up (the way I am with so, so many of my real life friends, too!). I'm not editing; I'm not re-reading; here are my raw, unfiltered thoughts on the thing that scares me most these days: me.
Dear Friend,
Here's the thing. Life has been a little rocky for the last little while (okay, two years). After getting the super terrifying news that we were moving cross country (terrifying, exciting, and heartbreaking) we got the incredibly exciting news that we were expecting a baby (now we know her as our spitfire, Evie Rose). Wrap all that news up, tie it with a bow, and give me a heart attack.
But, I'm here to tell you: I survived. And, we are all so much better for these changes. We have Evalyn, making our family whole and keeping us on our toes! Abby goes to an incredible school (and poops in the toilet)! Dustin has a job he love, love, loves! We have friends who are like family! And, we've learned to appreciate our families so much more. We are in a happy place in our lives, we really are.
That's not to say it was easy. And it's still not easy.
After Evie, and probably during a good chunk of the pregnancy, I felt the post partum baby blues turning a whole lot more sour. And, before I knew it, I was wanting to sleep most of the day, felt little motivation to leave the house, and my social anxiety was at an all time high. It's been a long time since I've been that low (if ever). I've felt resentful, despondent, lacking as a mother, and literally, physically sick.
I was frustrated, gaining weight, and had no desire to change that. I was so, so unhappy. Mind you, I'm no newbie to this life. Dealing with anxiety my whole life (knowing about it since I was 18), I've been around the loop a few times. The dark cloud of depression that accompanied it this time was something I couldn't shake; but I mastered the art of putting on a happy show.
I'm talking about all of this as though it's past tense. I'd love for it to be past tense. I'm slowly coming out of the fog, I think. But, it's still very present. My hormones are all sorts of screwed up and my anxiety at an all time high; ulcers and insomnia are running my life. My short temper is ruining my family's.
You should know, I'm not oblivious. I've seen doctors. I've found help. Because, for all of you out there who think you aren't sick, that it's all in your head, and that you are in control of it: you aren't. You are sick. Get help, because, luckily for us there is help to be had! It's real and it's not your fault.
As you know, when Abby was a little over a year old I changed my lifestyle - eating healthier, exercising regularly, and adopting an all-around active lifestyle. I lost 45 (ish) lbs, feeling better than I had felt ever before. During my pregnancy with Evalyn, I kept with those habits, for the most part. And, at six weeks post partum I was looking at losing 30 lbs to get back to my pre pregnancy weight. A hefty amount for some, but far better than the situation post Abby. I was proud, and determined.
Until I wasn't. Nobody ever talks about that part of motherhood (or life), ya know? Nobody ever talks about the baby blues turning into ice cold, two year, black holes. But, it's a thing.
So, now, I'm on the mend and staring straight into the face of an unhealthy lifestyle, a mind that has zero determination, now 50 lbs overweight, and panic attacks that sometimes control my life.
My point is not for you to pity me. My point is to talk about something that I've brushed off. To face it head on. And to quit addressing it as a light-hearted joke, or with a hint of sarcasm like I do. My real hope is that if I write it down I'll be able to take control again. Starting now.
I'm shaking as I type this. Nervous to hit publish. Fighting the urge to go back and edit and sugar coat my words. Why is that? Why am I nervous to talk about real things, in my real life. That's the weird thing about our lives now, there is so much show that goes into what we share. Real life takes a back seat.
Thanks for listening. And not judging. And loving me for me (the crazy parts, too). There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for my girls - literally the only thing that keeps me going and my built in best friend - my rockstar husband.
3 comments
First off, I still read and love your blog! Sometimes I miss blogging... I just don't have the time or mentally capacity sometimes to organize all my thoughts. (Total crazy mess I tell ya so I overdo my social media stuff). Second- I get this post. So much. Hormone inbalances are so feakin real. As are mental illnesses and Satan for that matter. I have felt many of the same feelings you expressed. It makes motherhood so feakin hard. I have so many feelings about things like this and I suck at expressing them. Good for you for getting it out there. You are definitely not alone and I know those crazy feelings won't last forever! (At least I really really hope!) I have really really low expectations about my life as of late to help my sanity and after changing my birth control (which was a life changer... in so many ways!) I feel slightly less crazy and have been a chubby, happier (although I am working toward "happiest" and healthier), slightly less ocd mom. Hang in there!!! :)
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I still read and love your blog! Sometimes I miss blogging... I just don't have the time or mentally capacity sometimes to organize all my thoughts. (Total crazy mess I tell ya so I overdo my social media stuff). Second- I get this post. So much. Hormone inbalances are so feakin real. As are mental illnesses and Satan for that matter. I have felt many of the same feelings you expressed. It makes motherhood so feakin hard. I have so many feelings about things like this and I suck at expressing them. Good for you for getting it out there. You are definitely not alone and I know those crazy feelings won't last forever! (At least I really really hope!) I have really really low expectations about my life as of late to help my sanity and after changing my birth control (which was a life changer... in so many ways!) I feel slightly less crazy and have been a chubby, happier (although I am working toward "happiest" and healthier), slightly less ocd mom. Hang in there!!! :)
ReplyDeleteLoved this Alyssa. And especially the part about real life taking a back seat, and everything being a show. How true is that in this age of social media and IG obsession (I'm guilty too!). I just think you are as kind and sweet as the day is long, so brave for putting truth out in the world for others to read and learn from, and one of the most wonderfully, freshingly sassiest girls I know. Among other things. Keep up the good work, girl! xoxo
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