Hi Internet!

by - 8:08:00 PM

Hi Internet!

I feel like I'm sitting down with an old friend. I feel as if I'm meeting up with someone who meant the world to me for so long, related to me on every level, and was with me through so much (dating, drama, work, roommates, engagement, marriage, pregnancy, babies, college, and moving), and a friend I let slip away. Man, I've pushed myself to log into my computer and start writing again. To pick up where I left off, but it just seems way too overwhelming. The further behind I slipped, the harder it was to start.

And then my husband spoke my ultimate love language and gave me the Christmas present of my dreams: he printed my blog. He printed this whole blog, all of my little, stupid thoughts, every picture, every immature post, every emotional drawl, so many years of my life- he had formatted, printed, and tied it up with a bow and handed it to me on Christmas morning. And this friendship that I had been determined was too difficult for me to maintain, one I had pushed to the back burner, convinced myself was not important, was in my face and tangible. And all of a sudden I remembered how much I love this little space I have claimed on the world wide web.

That was at Christmas. And now, here I sit, a good chunk into April, and just starting to pound out my thoughts.

I was paralyzed by the fact that I was nearly a year behind documenting our lives. How would I ever catch up? So, I didn't. I feigned ignorance and apathy. And then my every genius husband said something profound to me. He said, "You don't have to catch up. Why would you  have to catch up?" Like, whoa. Earth shattering, right? He prompted me to start where I am now. Whoa. Again. He's definitely the brains in the family.

I am curled up in our recliner, candles lit (trying to create hygge- my latest obsession), Great British Baking Show on the TV (have you watched? I'm obsessed.). The girls are asleep, Dustin is at work (ugh) and for the first time in my life I thought: no time like the present.

I know this all seems underwhelming and stupid to worry over. But, here's the thing- this has become a theme for my life. My blog slipped away (something I found comfort in). Relationships that required effort started to seem daunting and I felt incompetent. I currently sit at the heaviest weight I've ever been (including being 40 weeks pregnant) and it feels as though there is no reason to try- it feels like I'm too far behind.

This is all sounding a whole lot more bleak than I intended.

I'm happy right now; I'm so content with our lives right now. I feel the friends I have now, the place we live, and things we get to experience are exactly what we are supposed to be doing. My girls are thriving, my husband makes me so proud every single day. It's just my own self I'm battling.

I have tried to convince myself to settle (for lack of a better word). I've told myself I'm so happy in so many areas of my life right now, that I don't deserve to be satisfied with everything. I tried to convince myself that maybe this isn't the time of blogging for me. Maybe I should only keep the plus size clothes in my closet, and accept my body for what it is right now. There is nothing wrong with that.

There is just something so foreboding that comes with settling. And I don't want to settle. I'm also learning that talk is cheap.

So here I am. Back in this place I love, with no expectations but definitely some goals and on the search of improvement. I don't come with big news, or glamours pictures. I'm here to put my best foot forward and start embracing the things I love- the things that make my life the best life for me. I know this is lacking cohesiveness and logic.

I'm starting.

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